I take a big breath in and blow it out and for just a moment I feel okay

And then my anxiety punches me right in the chest

This was never meant to last

I think I might leave tumblr and twitter for that matter.

I did it last week for a couple of days.

But if I have to be honest, it just sucked. But being here doesn’t make me feel any better. There are a couple of pros, but mostly cons.

Maybe this is why I am having serious anxiety right now? It has been radiating through my chest for the last 3 hours.

God, I hate being stuck inside my own head. Like I think I want to cry, and I could because I can feel the tears just over the next sigh but I don’t. I don’t care enough to cry. 

I don’t care enough to cry.

I don’t care enough to cry.

This just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know. I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I wouldn’t delete anything even if I did leave.

This is not what I had planned, It's out of my control...

My anxiety is back. 

It’s radiating in the center of my chest

I am not happy

Why? I don’t know.

Whats it going to take to be happy???

I used to think if I ever felt this way, I could just decide to be happy and everything would just sort of happen like it should until I really was. But now, I can’t even fake it. I just don’t care anymore.

I miss all of the friends I used to have. I miss the person I used to be.

I know I can’t ever have that life again. It wasn’t good for me, but sometimes I wish I could go back. Just to be able to feel. To be care free. To be happy, somewhat.

But we aren’t the same people anymore and we can’t pretend we are. I can’t look at them and not see whats happened in the past. I really wish I was the kind of person that could just forgive and forget. To be able to move on from all the wrong and start fresh. But every time I think about them, I think about the bad.

I used to have a lot of friends. But now I only have a few. I’ve become friends with new people. New people I actually like. But they don’t live close and that sucks. They’re all really nice and accept me for who I am but I still feel like the outsider and I don’t think they see that.

Who knows. Maybe they do. And I know they worry about me sometimes, but I don’t even know if I care that they worry. I think I do, but I’m not sure. But maybe they don’t worry. Maybe they are the same kind of people I’ve always been friends with. People that just keep me around so they can gossip with and have someone to lay all their problems on. Sometimes I think I really should have just gone to school to become a therapist. I’m really good at listening to people’s problems.

I think that the things I have and the place am in are good places. But I just don’t know and I don’t know how to figure it out. And even if someone told me these things are true, I’m not sure I would or could believe them.

I’m just not sure of anything anymore.

My tired heart is beating so slow

It was dream just a moment ago...

...I was up so high, looking down at the sky. Don't let me fall....

B.o.B.'s Don't Let Me Fall. I love this song. It really strikes a cord with me. I can't stop listening to it.

...What goes up, must come down...

Measure or cut...

I'm torn. Torn between this opportunity that has only just presented itself, and the hope that another opportunity will present itself. The first has immediate implications. The second might never result in anything. The second one makes me hopeful for my future and career. The first one feels like its drawing me back into a life of expectation. The first feels like an easy way out. The second feels hard, difficult, and time consuming.

It's easy for me to see that the second is where I want to be. It's also easy for me to know that the first gives me the ability to achieve the second but at a much slower pace.

Which should I choose?

Spaghetti and Meatballs

So I'm making some Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner tonight. I was just going to make spaghetti, and then I was thinking I want some meat. So I was just going to make meat sauce. Ugh. I can never just have meat sauce, you know? ha ha.

Moving on, I don't actually know how to make meatballs. What does one put in meatballs??????? Is there a secret recipe behind just meat???? I don't know. I looked up "meatball recipe" on Google and I got a billion links. Seriously? There are a billion meatball recipes??

It can't really be that hard, right? Well I think I can make my own...or something like it. I haven't introduced the concoction to the meat yet, but I hope it turns out okay. Here is my recipe:

1 tsp of each of the following: Garlic Powder, Freshly Ground Black Peppercorns, Sea Salt, Basil Leaves, and Crushed Red Pepper
1/3 cup of Italian-style Bread Crumbs
1 egg
1-ish pound of Ground Chuck

That sounds like a good deal, but I'll let you know on the flip side if this works out.